Malton Show 2008: Humour

Fidelity

My wife and I went to the Malton Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

She playfully nudged me in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR.'

She gave me a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'.

She was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow......."

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Ploughing the land

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to a country show. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for £50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

Yorkshire farmer travels

A Yorkshire farmer goes to Australia for a holiday. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Yorkshireman says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Yorkshireman immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Yorkshireman sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Yorkshire?"

Try to grow chickens

A yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor.

"I mean business," the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said.

"Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.

"Yeah," the yuppie replied. "If I can iron out a few problems."

"Problems?" asked the proprietor.

"Yeah," replied the yuppie, "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

Potato Farmer

A farmer has a field of potatos and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE POTATOS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without stealing any of his potatos.

The farmer returns to the potato field a week later to discover that none of the plants have been taken, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

Know a good joke? Please share it with us;